Pathetically in pain of losing you

You know what I wanted to say when I run to you that night did you…?
You just don’t want to hear it, pretend like you never notice anything…
Because you know it will hurt you more when you are leaving this world…
If I told you how I feel… but I just really want to tell you that… I loved you…

Tears just won’t get any better, the bitterness of losing you driving me lifeless…
I missed your voice too much to love or hear someone else’s voice…
And when the lights fade in my room, I sat there quietly, crying for you…
And wished that no one will ever heard me, because cries are weaknesses…

How could you turn away before you hear me say… anything…
I understand but I just wished that I could never…
Because if I didn’t at least I won’t have to know that you are doing the same too…
Hiding your tears from me, I heard you crying at the hospital bed after I leave your room…
I was crying too, infront of your locked door ward…

You always know that there are not much time left… for us…
But your fake smiles hides nothing… I can see it right through your eyes…
I want to hold you but you said, “Don’t touch me, I’m ugly”
You know you’re not, you’re just sick… but still you are deathly afraid that if I hold you close…
I’d feel your bones, you are dying and that is just so heartbreaking…

I’ve fall ill everytime I wrote down your name on a paper…
Or just plainly sick on the head, but still covering everything by a soft smile…

You always know… that I loved you… didn’t you…?
I am afraid of losing you, eventhough we know that…
We count your remaining life, crying madly at the calender when it’s near…
And new year is just like a reminder, time will never mercy you and me…
And I just couldn’t believe that you left me earlier than I thought you would…

I didn’t even get the chance to see your cold face…
As the last time I saw you, you were smiling, asking me to get you sweets…
Eventhough I noticed that you are too pale, and too weak…
You look so fragile yet you still remain there, beautifully…
You said you were disgusting and you doesn’t smell right but…
Everyone knows that it can’t be helped as you spend your life almost everyday in the hospital…

You’d stop me from listening to such a sad song but you always turn on the music so loud…
When you feel like crying, so that no one hears you too…
And when we both sings… far from each other…
In cutting voice, to the melody of sadness, as the tears won’t stop falling…
We seek no help, because we know that we are helplessly failing ourselves…
You died, I almost malfunction that day…

I’ll love you endlessly, I’d cry for you…
Even if that means, I’ll be home alone, holding your imaginary body…
As I tremble and fall, laughing at my stupidity…
I fear for my life now if not my sanity…

And sometimes I go numb, unable to think or react to anything…

Still, I missed you when you were looking at me, playing with my fixed gaze to you…
And when you would laugh at me when I make some mistakes clumsily…
And for that night where you tried to hold me but retreated…
As your heart aches to the falling sands on my hand, and to the winds that blow smoothly against our face…

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~ by Malilith Ila on April 5, 2008.

3 Responses to “Pathetically in pain of losing you”

  1. How do I even begin? What an emotionally moving poem…i felt the depth of rawness and passion of every single word…every single line, drawing me closer and closer, wanting to read more and more and more..you had me riveted, my heart still pounding long after id read the last line
    im so sorry for your loss
    but at the same time…what a magnificently beautiful poem
    thank you for sharing it with us

  2. Thank you so much for your comment.. It made me happy..
    I know that I really have this on my mind, its really hard to forget someone that you love dearly, especially when we know, that person is really dying, counting days… but its harder when that person actually leave you earlier than you ever expected.. *bows politely*
    thank you for saying that its a beautiful poem.. ^^ I am surprised that you liked it.. because I never thought that It would turn out like this..

  3. temple says : I absolutely agree with this !

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